Dreams

At night my mind replays to me,

My need for love and affection,

Such that I dreamt of a situation,

Whereby, I had come to others’ attention.

They seemed to respond well to my presence,

And to their ranks I was invited,

But my cowardice showed,

So I ran away, and left them unrequited.

Why would I run away?

I felt too embarrassing, too unworthy to stay.

They offered me what I was looking for,

 – A sense of belonging.

But when I got what I wanted, I realised,

I’m not ready for the prize,

But only for its longing.

 

 

 

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Blot

Might she be able to love me,

If I obtain perfection?

For surely I am unworthy,

To even the most lenient of perception.

Why would anyone settle for less?

Why would anyone settle for the mess,

That I am?

Can I ever be admired,

For where I am?

Can I ever be loved,

For what I am?

For even my yearning,

Doesn’t make up,

For what I’m not.

And it cannot replace,

What I haven’t got.

And it doesn’t avail,

The blot – that is me.

 

 

Scrutiny

As a young boy, I felt a certain sense of nudity,

A sense of self that could be construed, a sort of lunacy.

An expectant state of being judged rather brutally,

A sense of shame that left me void of any dignity.

I felt this way around the people I called my community,

And felt that whenever I appeared, they would leap on the opportunity,

To target my presence and shame my flaws with eager ferocity. 

Now, no longer a boy, I still feel this way with much regularity,

Wondering what could have been, if not for this disparity.

And from this state I desire to wage a zealous mutiny,

Yearning to be free from this state of prolonged captivity.

Will I ever break free from the chains of past hostility?

Will I ever overcome the damage of their spite, their scrutiny?

 

 

 

Take a holiday

Take a holiday, away from your fears,

And let go of all the unwanted baggage, collected over the years.

Make an effort to avoid the places that you know,

Instead visit new places, if you want to grow.

Turn your back on the thoughts that leave you a mess,

And take the journey on the road, away from distress.

Take a break and seek relief,

And leave behind Worry and Grief.

Make the retreat to a happier place.

Make the move to a happier space.

Loneliness II

Loneliness is not just the state of being on your own,

Oh no, it’s far more complicated than that.

It’s the feeling of being left behind,

Of being the least worthy of your kind,

And the feelings of inferiority that run through your mind.

Loneliness is a paradox,

It’s about feeling conspicuous and invisible,

And about feeling relieved and miserable.

Loneliness can empty the void or fill the abyss,

It can leave us content or amiss.

Loneliness is an irony,

It’s about yearning to belong,

And about yearning to run away.

It’s wanting to be left alone,

And hoping they’ll stay.

Loneliness is desperation,

It’s when you start to obsess,

It’s always wanting more,

And never being happy with less.

Loneliness is the shadow that lurks,

Even when there’s people around.

It’s the gloom, the shade that covers the ground.

Loneliness is the want of being found.

It’s pretending you’re not in love,

Even when your sweetheart is around.

It’s shying away,

It’s never looking them in the eye,

It’s the reason for hiding, and not coming out to play,

And feeling restless throughout the day.

Its feeling like you can’t do anything right,

And it’s what keeps you awake at night.

Loneliness is so much more than a situation,

It’s the state of our mind, our fears, our aspirations.